Life has been so full, good, beautiful... but also hard. A little contradictory I know... well more sad really, I am almost 21 and I am only beginning to figure and sort things out.
I have learned so much about myself lately, the biggest one being that I am a big dreamer... always looking to the next thing. Not taking the time to enjoy but steering full steam ahead at my goals, my ambition and running over the people I love in the process.
So I am learning what it means to enjoy now which is so much harder for me that I thought it would be. For me it doesn't come natural. I am not sure why. It feels like I am the only one constantly fighting with myself to see the bright side of difficult circumstances, to give more than I take, to love with complete selflessness, and to accept the cards I've been dealt.
You may think I am over my infertility and miscarriages. Well what you may not know is they are part of my thoughts daily... yes daily. Whether I like it or not, it's a constant fight.
So I guess what I am saying in all of this is that I just need balance, to shift my dependencies from people and the stuff of this world to God. After all my struggle is so much more than a baby... I know this but I keep forgetting.
It's about finding contentment even if I am not happy where I live or with the circumstances of my life. It's about accepting that I live in a province so far from my family. Yep it's hard, but I don't want to complain anymore.I just need to accept and look past the imperfect areas of my life and hold tight to the truly beautiful and precious things God has blessed me with. I know the list is long and I cannot ignore that fact.
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